Integrate#howto: A meaningful upbringing in a multi-cultural society

How do you raise your children in a multi-cultural society? 1) together! Please leave your comments on your experiences and thoughts and challenges in the comment-section. Lets learn from each other. Below my thoughts:

Our generation of parents are pretty consciously trying to answer that question. Yesterday I and a friend wondered: how did our grandmothers manage to raise so many children? I suspect they thought about it a whole lot less. And apparently in many cultures this is still the practice. (L. Eldering, Cultuur en opvoeding). But also my non-cheese-head friends have hopes and dreams for their children.

Meeting parents from different cultures

In our neighbourhood there are various opportunities for parents from different cultures to meet each other. Henry attends the “vaderschapsdebatten” where he discusses issues surrounding upbringing. I attend (irregularly) a women's meetup, toddler-playgroup (which I used to organise), and other events. My expat friends tell me that raising a family without your own family is hard and lonely: who do you ask for advise? Where do you find a reliable babysitter? With whom do you drink that cup of tea on a lonely morning? Since my family lives on the other side of the country, I can relate. The answer is of course: that nice, reliable neighbour, but the challenge is finding him/her.

Apart from this more practical challenge, there is the additional challenge of raising your children in a multi-cultural setting. Upbringing and culture are deeply intertwined: Raising your children is in essence a long process of giving meaning to the world. Culture is a collection of shared meanings and are passed on through the upbringing. In a multi-cultural context the differences in meanings we pass on to our children and meanings our neighbors pass on are markedly greater than in mono-cultural settings. This is mostly enriching, but to a young child can be quite confusing.

Neutral upbringing: an impossibility

So how do we raise our children to become stable, respectful and well-rooted adults? A neutral upbringing might seem like a solution: ‘Let your children encounter many different cultures and religions, without passing judgment. Then when they grow up they can make their own choices.’ But since upbringing is about passing on meanings, a neutral upbringing is a contradiction in terms.

For instance: my daughter is learning to speak. She is constantly pointing at things and I am telling her what it is: “That’s a dog, it says woof woof”. My reactions tell her how she is supposed to react to what she’s seeing. I’m not a big fan of strange dog, so unconsciously I pass that on to my child: Yes, that’s a bulldog. And I’m holding you a bit tighter to my side and walk a bit quicker. My middle-eastern friends associate dogs with “dirty” and “dangerous”. The idea of having them inside, playing with kids is repulsive to them. Naturally, they pass this attitude on to their kids.

Moreover, our world is filled with social facts: things that exist because of the meaning we give it. Money would be useless pieces of paper if we didn’t give it value. My son is learning about money: once a week he gets a metal round thing from us. Two of those things will buy him an ice-cream. Why? Because we agreed to that in our society.

Meaningful upbringing

For this reason I’d rather raise my children “meaningfully.” Through meeting different cultures I gain insights into the meanings I give to the world, as a result of my religion and culture. I discover which of these meanings I find important and which are less important. I try to pass on those meanings that are near and dear to my heart, and tell my children that other people might see things differently. And that despite these differences we can love each other.

Tip

At least that’s my purpose, but I fail regularly. Discussing upbringing with different parents supports a meaningful upbringing. Especially if there are cultural differences. My tip: Seek out events where you can meet and discuss with other parents, or organise them yourselves. And bring your neighbors and friends from a different cultural background.